Dear Mr Nazário de Lima,
We note with interest that you have recently expressed a desire to come to England to pursue a career in advertising and marketing. Although we respect your pre-existing agreement with WPP we hope that, as a recently retired footballer, you will understand if we launch an audacious last-minute bid to hijack your move.
As one of the UK’s leading sports and leisure marketing agencies we feel that we could offer you an excellent grounding in every aspect of your new career. Beyond the obvious connection between ourselves there are actually quite a few reasons why Banana Kick and Ronaldo would be an excellent partnership.
Here are five:
1. Home-sickness will be less of an issue. Banana Kick’s waterside location means that on balmy summer days, care-free youngsters can often be seen cavorting merrily in the crystal-clear waters of the Leeds & Liverpool canal. Close your eyes ever so slightly and you could be back on Copacabana beach!
2. We have our own five a side team. Obviously there are no guarantees that you’ll get a game and with your history of injuries you’ll need to prove your fitness but we see no reason why you wouldn’t get ten minutes here and there to keep your eye in.
3. Don’t take this the wrong way, but we can’t help noticing that you’ve put on a bit of timber in recent years. You obviously like your food, so you’ll be glad to know that Leeds boasts an authentic ‘churrasco’ Brazilian barbecue restaurant, offering “continuous tableside service of at least fifteen different delectable cuts of beef, pork, lamb and chicken plus a sumptuous buffet of gourmet salads and fresh cut vegetables, and a variety of traditional side dishes to complement the meats.” We don’t know if they do Yorkshire puds but it sounds cracking!
4. You may know that your former teammate and fellow World Cup-winner Roque Junior spent some time in Yorkshire in 2003. It may not have been the happiest of time for him professionally (Leeds United conceded 24 goals in his seven games at left back) but Mr Junior fell in love with the area and after recently retiring from professional football he now runs a chip shop in Batley.*
5. Leeds has its own Brazilian Jiu Jitsu club! We’re not sure what it involves – and we’re certainly not going to say anything rude about them because they look a bit handy – but it’s just another reason why Leeds is fast becoming known as the ‘Brazil of West Yorkshire’!
So there you have it! If you have any more questions then please don’t hesitate to get in touch. The phone number’s on the website so we look forward to hearing from you soon. Until then, ‘obrigado’ and ‘tchau’!
*That’s what a bloke in the pub told us, anyway.